Brett Bond

Born and raised in the woods (by the woods), Brett developed superhuman powers at a young age. In his childhood, he reputedly beat up Chuck Norris, walked all the way to Hawaii, and translated the entire body of Socrates’s writings into modern Whaleish (not to be confused with the country Wales) sign language (as whales have no faces). Since then he has formed his own Fight Club, becoming a black-belt in Ninja Warrior-fu with the help of the midgets Jake Allison and Cameron Kukililililik. Brett has long made a habit of feasting only on the collected countenance of an aptly enamored preschool class, and repays them in true vampiric fashion by educating them in the ways of American Transcendentalists. Canonized by the Roman Catholics in 1666, Brett is widely worshipped as the tallest prophet of God(s). In his leisure time, he adorns his Native American teepee with puppies and bubbles. Brett Bond never thinks about the future, which makes for excellent conversation.