Gene Legg

A self-referred “man incarnate,” Eugene Monroe Legg knows well the joys of arduously beating down Redwoods with nothing but a feral stray cat. Some say that his manliness is compensation for a disastrous love affair he had aboard a salty pirate ship, but other, wiser folk will say that his love affair was with the boat herself. Currently shipwrecked on the briary-reef of a student body, “Pegg” Legg’s permeance of wit and humor is rarely (if ever) understood, but his minions laugh regardless, for fear of his constant playing of “Empire State of Mind.” When asked, his diminutive cyborg side-kick, the decorated Captain James No-Land, declared that Gene Legg is “um…”. Captain No-Land also once said “don’t let his looks fool you, beneath the frightening veneer lies the heart of a lovely man.” Our sources suspect the Captain was talking about Legg’s pet dragon, Danny Kim. Mr. Legg can frequently be found inspecting his fleet of no-gooders and import cars, as well as his fine array of exquisite Russian birthday cards. The rumor that his cufflinks were engineered by the CIA to help him read minds was proven false; but the rubber bands on the tassels of his shoes do appear to give him unreasonable talon-t as a champion Underwater Basket Weaver. After a terrible scuffle involving an illegal dealing of desks and fountain pens, Gene Legg seems to have found that his pirate days are over and has already begun plans to turn Briar Woods High School into a massive, ground-shaking sky-breaking Mariachi band in zebra unitards. I wish we were kidding.

(Pictured: Legg, with his pet seagull "Reginald")