My Uninitended - Tierney Ragsdale

I am Brian Finnigan. I am also a seventeen-year-old man who has been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders for exactly one year now.

About two and a half years ago I went out to Dublin to watch the Saint Patrick’s Day festival with a few friends. That was where I saw her. Her name was Riley Simmons. She was the most gorgeous creature I had ever seen. She had large deep green and innocent eyes. Her dark curls cascaded down her back. But her physical beauty was nothing to the brilliant beauty that seemed to emanate from within her.

I was compelled to go see her, drawn by some magnetic force. So I went over to her introduced myself and proposed that she join my friends and me to a pub to celebrate. She surprised me by agreeing to come with me. We spoke exclusively to each other the whole night. She disregarding her friends and I mine. I was glued to her every action and word. Her eyes were so honest. I never felt as though she was not being herself or trying to hide things from me.

We talked about just about everything that night from our favorite fruit to we felt about our families. It was quite obvious in the way she spoke about them all that she loved her family dearly. When she spoke of her father though, it seemed like she was describing a god whom she had worshipped her whole life. It was obvious that he was her life and that they talked about everything together. There were no secrets.
When it was midnight it had been five hours that we’d been talking nonstop about our lives. Her curfew was twelve thirty so she had to leave. I had no desire whatsoever to be away from her and I suspect she felt the same way. So she invited me to sneak into her house. How could I possibly resist? When we got to her house I snuck into her window quietly while she went to say goodnight to her father.

While she was with her father I looked around her room. It reflected her brilliance well. It was dusky purple in color. There was a desk on one side of the room that looked to be hand crafted (I guessed that her father had made it for her). It was quite beautiful, with intricate Celtic design. There was a laptop and a small TV and many filled picture frames on top of the desk. Then on her wall were thousands of pictures, of her friends, her family, bands, movie tickets and all other sorts of memorabilia. On the opposite side of the desk was a twin bed in much the same design as the desk. The quilt that lay on her bed looked very soft and there was a beautiful lilac canopy above it.  Altogether a very inviting bed. So I decided to go lie down on it and that was where she found me when she came into the room.

She stared at me a little while seeming to decide something. Then she came over and lay down in front of me. We did not need to speak now. All we did was listen to each other’s heartbeats. I did not feel much like sleep so I just lay watching her. I memorized her face with all its freckles and watched, as her breathing grew steadier as she fell asleep. Soon after that I feel asleep.

When I awoke the next morning the sun was bright and she had left, to where I had no clue. But I did not have to wait long she came through the door carrying two bowls of cheerios and some orange juice.
After I was finished she told me she had to go visit her aunt back in Dublin. We exchanged phone numbers and e-mail and I promised that I would call her later that day. I snuck out the window onto the lawn. It was there that I first met her father. He didn’t seem at all perturbed let alone surprised at my presence. He just came up to me shook my hand and told me to take care of her as well as myself. I was utterly bewildered. All I could think to do was start walking down the road. It turns out her house was only a mile or two down from my own. As I walked I figured that she must have told him I was spending the night. How odd. He must trust her judgments very much or he was standing outside the room with a rifle in hand.

From that day on we were inseparable. By the end of the firs t month I knew her inside and out. All of her little quirks that I loved, an d her habit of twirling her hair when she was anxious. I could even guess most of the time what was on her mind just by looking into those beautifully expressive eyes of hers.

As well as knowing her I became a part of the Simmons family. Her short and crazy mother with that same black curly hair. Her shy little brother Liam so cute and creative with his little pixie face. And then her father of course, whose expressive eyes mirrored his daughter’s perfectly, was every bit of the man Riley had described and more. He was tremendously patient, forgiving, pleasant, and optimistic. Nothing could go wrong in his eyes, and above all he was the greatest listener I had ever known. I could speak with him almost as freely as I had with Riley.

She became my world, Riley did. I loved and cherished every moment I was blessed to be with her. Even if we were just sitting in our sweatpants watching TV, every moment was special because she was special.
Riley was kind and creative liked her brother and father, but she was also stubborn and wild just like her mother. She was so full of life. The way here eyes sparkled and she was always moving. She was just so alive, so full of energy for such a small creature.

We had just celebrated our one-year anniversary in Dublin for Saint Patrick’s Day again, when her mother called with disturbing news. Riley’s father had collapsed while working on the house. He was fine her mother assured us; they were just running some tests. She told us not to worry so we stayed out and had a good time with all of our friends.

When we got back around nine thirty everything was quiet and somber which was strange because her mother was usually bustling about while Liam and her father played20some game or other. But tonight there were no games. We came into the kitchen to see her mother and father waiting there for us. We sat down and her father explained to us that he had terminal cancer and the doctors had given him just about three months to live.

I couldn’t feel. I was numb. Riley beside me was whit as a ghost and trembling from head to food, she got violently sick next to me. Her mother told me that I should bring her to her room. Mechanically I got to my feet. I don’t even know how I could be standing because I couldn’t feel my feet. Somehow I got Riley up to her bed and I lay there with her rubbing her back and wrapping her in quilts in an effort to stop the shivering.
I looked her in the eyes and they were dead. She star ed at me and asked if I would always be there and I said of course and held her tight against my chest. I don’t think either of us slept at all that night and neither of
 us got up in the morning or did anything all day.

Finally the next morning my mother called wondering where I was. I was terrified to leave her like this. There was still no life in those beautiful eyes of hers. But my mother was quite persistent and demanded that I come home and go to school. That afternoon I went back to Riley’s house through the window to see that nothing had changed. There she lay in the same exact position I had left her in. When I came in though, her eyes flashed. And she jumped right out of bed. She came over to me and started screaming at me that I had promised to never leave her and that I had just betrayed her. I could hardly understand. I had only left the house for a couple of hours. I tried to calm her down, but that seemed to infuriate her and she screamed louder now. She yelled that I was a liar and a cheat. Then she stared screeching that I had to leave right now. Over and over again she told me to just leave her. I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there and let her yell at me until she fell to her knees and now instead of the screaming, she was sobbing I bent down and picked her up to put her back into bed but she refused to let me do so. So I just lay next to her. It took a very long time for her to settle down and after an hour or so she finally slept and I could put her back into bed.

While I watched her sleep I prayed that when she woke up that her eyes were alive again.

However, when she woke up her eyes still held no life. Never again did I see that brilliance again. It had burnt out and there was no way I could revive the fire.

The next month and a half was perhaps the most painful times I had to endure. Riley didn’t do anything but drink all day long and when I tried to take the drink away her eyes would flash again in that same way and she would start up again accusing me of breaking the promise that I would stay with her always. So I gave up trying to stop her ongoing oblivion. She had also begun going to Dublin to party almost every night. At this point I jus t couldn’t take it any longer. I couldn’t deal with the fact that Mr. Simmons, the only father I had ever known, was going to leave us forever, and it seemed as though Riley was already gone. So I picked up and left for a week. I just traveled through the countryside in my car going into a pub every once in a while to drown out the sorrow.

After a while I couldn’t stand it anymore, dead or alive, I couldn’t stand not being able to touch my Riley. So I went all the way back. When I reached the house I had to prepare myself for what I knew was sure to come. I climbed in the window to find Riley curled in a ball on the floor. When she looked up at me I did not see the flash that I had expected. Even more horrifying is that I saw those eyes I loved even more hollow than they were before. It chilled me right to the bone

What had I done?

She stood up walked over to me and touched my chest where my heart beat. She was whispering something but I couldn’t hear what. I leaned closer to her and what I heard sent me reeling.

“You can’t hurt me anymore. I’ve already lift for something better,” over and over again she said this. I did not know what she meant by it but it had chills running down my spine. After a half hour of this oddness she went over to her bed and stared off into oblivion. She was not Riley this body I saw sitting across from me.
The panic had me crazy. I ran down the hall to the room where Mr. Simmons lay. He looked at me with ancient eyes still a soft light left in them. He gestured for me to come and sit. He explained that while I was gone Riley had gone out and found someone his name was Brady and he was the only one she would see anymore. She had told everyone to keep me out. He told me they wanted to do as she wished hoping it would help her. So he told me I had to leave.

I moved without knowing it. It seemed like I was moving through a thick haze back to my car. When I got to my house I went into my room where I blacked out under the bed.

I can’t even remember what happened in the next two months. I saw Riley around town, the other dead half of my life moving around without me. Those are the only moments I remembered.

Then July 23 I got a call from the Simmons, I lunged at the phone desperate to hear Riley but it was Mrs. Simmons that had called me sobbing.

Mr. Simmons had died that morning. She told me he had always thought of me as a son and that it had caused him an extraordinary amount of pain to tell me to leave that one day. She told me she wanted me to come to the funeral and that if it wasn’t too much trouble she would like me to be one of the pallbearers. I agreed telling her that it would be my honor.

The funeral seemed to last five days. It didn’t feel right. The priest did not understand. He hadn’t known Mr. Simons. And there was Riley pale as could be and much gaunter with no emotion in those eyes that were identical to her father’s.

In the weeks that followed I could barely function. I felt that all life should stop. The most important things to me were lost forever. I went over to the Simmons’ house one day in August. It was as quiet as that night Riley and I had come back from Dublin that night. Mrs. Simmons came up and hugged me just like a mother would have. Liam came over to me as well, holding up a deck of cards. I knew what he wanted. To play like he had with his father. So I went into the living room and we sad for hours playing go fish and making card houses.
Riley had not come down and I refused to go up and see her. I didn’t want to hurt anymore and what was I going to do to help her? That was what Brady was for. Even though I knew that Brady was a drunk and uncaring fool. And Even though I knew she needed me now more than ever. I came every Saturday from then on, just for Liam and Mrs. Simmons not to help her.

It was September seventeenth, another Saturday; I called Mrs. Simmons to make sure I could come over. When I called Mrs. Simmons was sobbing even harder than the day she had called in July. I couldn’t understand a word of what she said, panicked I ran out of the house and all the way over to the Simmons’ house.

When I got there Mrs. Simmons was laying on the floor in the kitchen with Liam sitting next to her not knowing what to do. I don’t know how I knew it, but I was sure that everything centered on Riley. I finally understood what I had failed to on the phone with Mrs. Simmons. Riley was gone. She had killed herself unable to stand the numbness anymore.

It was my fault. I had left her. I had killed her. No matter what anyone says. I know this to be true. I let my pride get in the way of doing what was right for the one I loved. She betrayed me because I broke my only promise to her. How could I have ever blamed her for that?

I killed the one I loved more than anything in the universe because I let trivial things cloud my head and yet in the way of what I know is right.

Now I will never see those brilliant eyes as long as I live